The Other Side
by Marauder-In-Disguise
Summary: A continuation of "Shattered"- Chakotay contemplates his experience and tries to convince himself that he did the right thing by telling Kathryn the truth...Bad summary, better story, I promise


"_Tell me one more thing?"_

"_Of course."_

"_For two people who started off as enemies we seem to get pretty close. So how close do we get?"_

"_Let's just say there are some barriers we never cross."_

***

Late that night, Chakotay lay on his bed playing absently with his medicine wheel. After the experience he had just had, he should be exhausted. It wasn't everyday that he traversed the barrier of the time – space continuum. But he couldn't sleep and so he was led on the bed listening to the sounds of the muffled routines of Kathryn on one side and Tuvok on the other.

No one else remembered what had happened and in a way, he was glad. It meant that he could give his version of events and leave out whatever would just distress people unnecessarily. He hadn't told anyone that he had watched Tuvok die – it would upset the captain and make the Vulcan uncomfortable to think of it. He had told Kathryn about the Maquis rebels but not B'Elanna because he knew that she hated to hear about those times when she was so suspicious and small minded and ignorant. One of the good things about being First Officer meant that Chakotay had to know everyone and so he had built up a good knowledge of most of the crew and their individual quirks. It came as part of the job description.

But nothing that he had seen was keeping him awake, not even the shock of seeing Seska again or being beaten by her men. No, it was, as with many nights he couldn't sleep, all because of Kathryn. When they had gone back to her quarters to finish dinner, she had quizzed him intensely on everything that happened. He obliged, to a certain extent, withholding some details and elaborating on some. The cider was certainly helping to calm him down but he still held his guard and eventually Kathryn gave up.

So she didn't know about the Kathryn he had met in the past. It had been fascinating for him to see the captain before he even met her. She seemed so...so excited, so fresh and surprisingly naïve. Chakotay had always assumed that Kathryn was born ready to captain a starship. It was a pleasure to see her slightly unsure of herself, although at the same time it had broken his heart to think of how changed she would be in just a few short days and how she would go on changing as the years of isolation and pressure began to take their toll. Chakotay had only ever known a Kathryn who had a certain kind of sadness about her, a sadness that did very much for her integrity but little for her soul. However, all that said, she was still Kathryn and she still had the something about her that Chakotay remembered being interested by the first time he met her – the something that he eventually fell in love with. The something he now loved more than his own life.

With a sigh, he put his medicine wheel aside and began to undress, deciding to at least get out of his uniform into something more comfortable for a long night of restlessness. As he pulled off his jacket, Chakotay's mind wandered to thoughts of Kathryn yet again, this time considering carefully how she had watched him as they tried to save the ship. She had hardly taken her eyes off him – he liked to think that this was because she was fascinated by him although it was more likely that she just thought he was trying to sabotage the ship or something equally as ridiculous. She was almost flirting with him – the more time they had spent together, the closer she had stood to him, the more times she touched his arm or his shoulder. It was very confusing.

And then, just before he had to put everything back to normal, she had asked him that question, so seriously. Her face was open, her expression curious and almost teasing. Chakotay pulled his robe over his head as he considered the idea that she was almost... hopeful. Yes, it was hope, that other strange ingredient in the mix of her emotions. When she had asked him that, the moment seemed to freeze in time. He knew, even at the time, that it would be wrong to plant a false future in her head but he was tempted, so tempted that he could hardly look at her. He knew that it would be wrong but what an opportunity! It couldn't hurt anyone really, could it? How much of the future could he change, apart from saving them both years of longing and desperation? As what felt like hours ticked past, he realised what he already knew – it was wrong to take advantage of such a situation. It was like she always implied – you can never know the consequences before it's too late. So, as much as it hurt him to say it, Chakotay did exactly what Kathryn would do and left the future of their relationship in very little doubt. And she had looked disappointed – he had seen it in her face but there was nothing he could do about it. He had to do the right thing, no matter how little sense it made.

Chakotay walked distractedly into the bathroom and stood over the sink, looking into the mirror. It was true that Kathryn had changed a lot over the past seven years but when he thought back very carefully, so had he. The wrinkles around his eyes and mouth were becoming deeper by the day and the grey in his hair increasing at an alarming rate. But as he looked at himself, he also noticed a strange look in his eyes that past Kathryn had been missing and real time Kathryn had, although he hadn't noticed that it existed at all until he saw her without it. He hadn't even realised that he had it too. It could quite easily have been sadness but that seemed too obvious – he and Kathryn were actually normally happier than suffering, especially in the company of the other. For want of another description, Chakotay decided that the strange look was probably hunger, but not in the eating sense. Hunger for something else. Hunger for something that he and Kathryn could probably give one another but probably never would.

Splashing his face with cold water, Chakotay made for his bed, resting on folded arms behind his head. Despite himself, he couldn't help but play that conversation again in his head and remember the look on her face.

"_Tell me one more thing?"_

"_Of course."_

"_For two people who started off as enemies we seem to get pretty close. So how close do we get?"_

"_Let's just say there are some barriers we never cross."_

"I wish I could give you another answer, Kathryn," he murmured out loud, "More than anything I've ever wanted before."


End file.
